


Among the Stars

by StarsAndSkies (LittleMissWrath)



Series: Among the Stars [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mass Effect 1, Post-Virmire, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 09:27:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissWrath/pseuds/StarsAndSkies
Summary: Kaidan kissing her was an image he didn’t want to have in his mind, neither tonight nor ever. That bloody “Mr Look-At-Me” had made his move, just as Ashley had warned him.





	Among the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> I've had almost all this chapter written for months, but I don't know why I'd lost the desire to finish it and continue the story. Thanks to an anonymous ask on Tumblr who sent me the prompt "I don’t wanna be alone right now", I could finish it at last.
> 
> I'll mostly use Joker's point of view, but I'll also use Shepard's in some chapters.
> 
> About Joker's disability, as I always say, I have a disability myself (in no case as serious as his), but I always try to reflect it when I write him. 
> 
> English is not my native language so you'll probably find some grammatical mistakes. I'm sorry!

The warm lights of the cockpit dimly lit Joker's focused face as his fingers flew through the control panels in front of him, his omnitool glowing on his left arm. He was uploading data from his personal files to the Normandy as he had been doing after each mission since they started chasing Saren. His aquamarine eyes slid through the screens almost at the same speed that the data appeared, his mind wandering among calculations, prothean history and geth technology, trying to find out what they would find in Ilos in a few hours.

“Dammit!” Joker muttered to himself, hitting the armrest with his right hand. He restarted his omnitool for the third time in less than an hour; the connection interrupted again due to an unknown error.

They couldn’t afford another mistake, not after Jenkin’s death, not after Virmire and losing Ashley. They were going to finish that madness safe and sound, and he would do everything in his power to get it.

He checkef their ETA one last time, then took off his cap and run a hand through his short hair, his tired gaze fixed on the orange flashes of the consoles. It wasn’t like it flew blindly, but the more prepared they were, the better.

Not as in Virmire.

After making sure no one was paying attention to him, he turned on his omnitool, looking for one of his favourite photos of Shepard, eager to find comfort in those big blue eyes staring at him through the screen.

Kaidan had taken it only a few months ago, the same day the Council had named her the first Human Spectre. He had suggested -in a not very casual way- that they should immortalise an occasion that humanity wouldn’t forget in a long time.

And there she was, standing with the Normandy right behind her, and wearing her brilliant black and red N7 armour with a proud smile on her face. Joker couldn’t help but grin at the sight of her ginger hair tousled behind her ears, her right hand trying to catch a rebel lock that covered part of her freckled cheek.

Maybe Kaidan and Ashley had shared such a crucial moment in her life, but every time he looked at that picture and saw their ship in the background, he also saw himself in there, waiting to take her to the most remote place of the galaxy. He would make the Normandy dance only for her eyes.

Despite everything that happened to her, she still was close to her crew, protective and supportive, quite the opposite that most of the senior officers he had known until then. Inaccessible men, always surrounded by their arrogance and superiority, their mouths filled with big words like discipline and honour, at the same time that they hit you in the face at the slightest mistake.

Shepard wasn’t that way, not at all. She cared about people, about him.

“Hey Flyboy,” Shepard's voice startled him, bringing him back to reality and interrupting his daydreams. He turned off his omnitool as fast as he could, feeling the same way as when his mother caught him watching porn when he was sixteen. And there he was, thirteen years later, trying to hide from his Commander Officer that he was dazzled looking at one of her pictures.

“I didn't want to interrupt you. I should've warned you I was coming, I'm sorry,” Shepard said turning around and probably misunderstanding the situation.

“Hey, Ev- eh, Shepard. It's not what you're thinking, I promise.” Words came out of his mouth like babbling, making whatever he was going to say sound like a poor excuse. “I just- I was distracted reading- looking at-, ah dammit, doesn't matter. You can already turn around.”  

“Are you sure? I don't want to see something I shouldn't, but since you insist...” Shepard chuckled and approached his seat holding a tray in her hands.

She placed the tray on his legs, balancing it before taking out an orange pill bottle from one of her pockets and leaving it next to the water. Leaning her body on the right side of the consoles, she let herself slide until she was sitting on the floor, her boots resting near his own.

“A little bird told me you needed to eat and take your pills, and you know what? I can’t let my favourite helmsman starve. Not when I need him the most.”

“You shouldn’t. I’m crucial for this ship,” he joked. “Thank you, Commander.”

Too embarrassed to hold her inquisitive gaze, Joker looked at her out of the corner of his eye, watching her face to figure out how much she had seen before he had time to close her holo.

Instead of her usual loose hairstyle, she wore her hair in a small ponytail that made her look younger than ever despite the stress of the last months. He had already seen the scars on her forehead before; however, he couldn't avoid the chill that ran down his spine at the thought of Akuze and everything they had discovered about Cerberus.

A fresh bandage was sticking out of the collar of her old blue t-shirt, fixing her collarbone and her left shoulder, at least until she had to put on her armour again. If they ever went back to Virmire, he would blow up the goddamn planet, for the sake of the galaxy.

“How's that going?” Joker asked nodding towards his shoulder after swallowing the pills with a sip of water.

He hated to see her hurt, with all his being. Even the first time, back on Eden Prime, had been tough for him despite having just met her. If his bones were stronger, he would’ve kicked Kaidan in his goddamn arse for not being able to control himself.

“Slower than it should be,” Shepard answered wincing in pain as she stretched the muscles of her neck to the opposite side. “At least the medigel is working, though it’s annoying. Another mark on the wood, I guess.”

“I could give you some advice if you need it. I mean, yeah, I know you’re the tough N7 here, but hey, I’m an expert when it comes to broken bones,” Joker teased cutting his dinner. The smell of garlic, parsley and pepper, along with the meat and the mashed potatoes, made his stomach rumble. “Oh fuck- I wasn’t realised how hungry I was. Hey, who cooked this? Don’t tell me Doctor Chakwas…”

“No, she hasn’t!” Shepard exclaimed with a frown, giving him a soft kick in the boot. “It was me, you fool!”

“Ah, pardon me! How could I imagine that you were also such a great chef?” Her angry face made him laugh out loud, the tray wobbling on his legs while she pressed her lips tightly, trying to hide a smile. “Thank you. It’s delicious, seriously.”

“My pleasure, but I already told you; you won’t starve on my watch, Flight Lieutenant.”

“Good to know. Yeah, _good-to-know_ ,” Joker mumbled, his voice deep and low, almost to himself. He cleared his throat before continue talking. “Do you need my advice then? The best sleeping position, how to take a shower, to get you naked-”

“Oh man, how to get me naked?” Shepard interrupted him before he had time to rectify his mistake, the natural flushing of her cheeks even more intense than usual. “Now you have all my interest!”

“I’m sorry, my bad.” Joker rubbed his palms against his fatigues after returning the tray to Shepard, the brief touch of her soft and warm skin gave him goosebumps all over his body.

It was just a joke, an innocent flirting he had started during their mission on Feros. He tried to reassure her by talking through their private channel, while the team keep moving forward killing those awful Thorian Creepers. Shepard's response had been unexpected to him, flirting back.

However, that night, face to face, with her eyes fixed on him and her lips curled into a half smile, he wondered if at some point there had been something real in all their jokes, something more between them.

“You should rest and heal. We still have several hours ahead.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Shepard's voice sounded tired, her answer followed by a loud yawn as she stretched her legs against his seat, letting her feet touch his for a few seconds. “What about you, Joker? If I remember right, I sent all the main staff to bed hours ago.”

 _I can’t sleep because I can only think of kissing you_ , Joker thought as he covered his eyes with his cap, scared of showing too much of himself. He cleared his throat before answering her question. “Don't worry. I have everything under control, and I prefer to be here than in those damn sleeping-pods. Plus, how could I sleep leaving the cockpit without my supervision? Not now, not tonight. So, nervous?”

“Yeah, too many things to think about,” Shepard answered without looking up from her boots as she undid her small ponytail letting her hair down, tousled waves framing her freckled face. “The truth is… well, I don’t wanna be alone right now, and I could use some company. I couldn’t sleep either.”

“Ilos, Saren… the crew, right?”

A loud beep followed by a red light appeared in one of the consoles, and Joker snorted checking the cause of the alarm. Before he could stop the annoying sound, Shepard jumped to her feet leaning forward to rest her chin on his shoulder. Too close, too fucking close. Joker closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, suddenly aware of the scent of her hair and the heat of her body near his. She smelled like cinnamon and orange, like autumn, like home.

“Should I worry, Flyboy?” She whispered in his ear, the cadence of her voice uttering the nickname she gave him, making his heart race in his chest.

“Ah, no… I have everything under control. It’s routine.” Joker babbled trying to catch his breath again as he stopped the noisy alarm using his omnitool.

The magic of the moment vanished as soon as Shepard stepped back and sat on the floor again, in the same place as before. Joker cursed himself for his lack of courage to make a move on her, remembering part of his last conversation with Ashley. The young marine was right, and Joker’s fears weighed more than his feelings for her, though he was sure that if he didn’t try, Kaidan would do it.

“We were talking about my concern for the crew, right?” Shepard reached out to brush his knee with her fingertips. “You were going to say something else?”

“Right. I just wanted to say that stealing the Normandy — again in my case — was reckless but necessary. You gave us the opportunity to leave the ship, and everyone stayed here. It's simple. After Virmire, after losing Ash, they couldn't keep us apart.”

“Yeah, we're going to finish this, no matter what. Jeff, listen to me-” Shepard left his knee to grab his hand, interlacing her fingers with his as she squeezed them gently, her blue eyes nailed on him. Even if he was shocked by her closeness, Joker couldn’t do anything but caress her palm with his thumb, treasuring that sign of affection in the depths of his heart as Shepard continued talking. “I don't know how this will end, or what will happen if we manage to stop Saren and we're still alive, but if the Alliance present charges against the crew, I’ll assume all the responsibility.”

“Nice try, really, but I could've refused to pilot the ship, and you weren't pointing a gun at me. So nope, you're not going to carry all the blame alone.” Joker turned to her and squeezed her hand. “I mean it, Shepard. You won’t be alone in this.”

“Thank you. I appreciate your words, but-”

“There is no but.”

“We’ll talk about it when the time comes, okay?” Shepard said smiling at him. Despite Joker’s reluctance, she withdrew her hand rubbing her fingers together, as if she wanted to keep his warmth in her skin. “I need to tell you something else.”

“Shoot.”

“Kaidan came to my quarters a few hours ago. He wanted to talk about how he felt about me and… he kissed me.”

“What the-?”

Joker’s heart froze for a moment as he took off his cap, placing it on the armrest as he ran his hands through his hair, trying to control his breathing, processing Shepard’s words before putting it on again.

A kiss. A goddamn kiss. _Fucker_.

Kaidan kissing her was an image he didn’t want to have in his mind, neither tonight nor ever. That bloody “Mr Look-At-Me” had made his move, just as Ashley had warned him. However, Shepard’s unexpected statement was what surprised him the most, struggling to understand why she had chosen that moment to tell him.

That was all, then. It wasn’t fair to even say that Kaidan had won the war because there had never been any competition between them. Somehow he felt defeated, though, worse than if he had punched him in the stomach.

A broken bone was better than a broken heart, at least in this case. He was used to it though; rejection had been present in his life since he could remember. Why should it be different this time?

Joker wasn’t able to look at her; he didn’t even want to do it. It wasn’t her fault. He could never blame her, but it hurt, it hurt too much.

“It was just a moment…” Shepard murmured, her eyes fixed on the ground in front of her. “And I pulled away from him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it didn’t feel right, it wasn't right.”

“Why? I thought there was something between you two. It's obvious he cares a lot about you, and you two seem very close.” He was struggling to keep a neutral tone, to hide his feelings, his pain.

Shepard raised her head to look at him for the first time in minutes. There was a frown on her face; he looked worried, concerned, and in a way, even vulnerable. “I’m not good at handling these situations. I hate hurting people. I’m not that way. Not when I care about someone.”

Part of him wanted to laugh out loud and answer her some sarcastic shit, but she was honest, and his no-asshole part appreciated it. Plus, it was the first time she called him Jeff instead of Joker, Moreau or Flight Lieutenant. Just hearing her saying his name made the butterflies on his stomach fly again. “So… you care about him.”

“I care about everyone in this ship and not only about Kaidan. And if we spent time together is because, besides my Lieutenant, he’s my friend,” she said raising her voice a little as she nervously tapped her fingers on the metallic wall. “As you are too.”

Bullshit; it was bullshit.

Against all common sense, he dared to ask. “Why?

“Why, what?”

“Why did you come just now to tell me this? Does anyone else know what happened?”

“My private life is not public domain, you know? Rumours spread fast enough in a ship like this without needing me to say anything,” she replied nailing her light blue gaze on him. Joker thought she would avoid his first question, but she continued talking before he could ask it again. “Because I care about you, Jeff! And you’re really blind if you haven’t noticed yet.”

Everything around him froze as soon as he heard her words; the crew, the ship, his lungs, even his heart. She cared about him, but this kind of moments never ended well, not for him. There was always a “but” after those words.

Joker took off and put on his cap again, clenching his teeth as he tried to focus his attention on the flickering lights of the flight controls, avoiding the inquisitive eyes still fixed on him. “You have to be kidding me,” he muttered finally, his mouth acting faster than his mind.

“What? Are you-,” Shepard didn’t even finish her question before getting up faster than he thought possible for a human being, taking with her the empty tray. “Are you fucking serious? I didn’t come here tonight to mess with you, goddamnit! I- I don’t even know if we’ll stay alive tomorrow, if I’ll stay alive tomorrow! Anyway, forget it.”

“I wonder why you would choose me instead of Kaidan? Pity? Compassion? How long would it be before you get tired of the poor cripple?” He was sure he had screwed it up as soon as he finished talking.

“We’ve known each other for a short time, but after all we have been through together, I really thought you’d know me better. If you continue feeling sorry for yourself and pushing people who care about you away, you’ll end up alone.”

It wasn’t her harsh words or tone that made him shudder, but the coldness of his gaze. He had seen those blue eyes looking at him with affection; her lips always curled into a sincere smile even when everything went wrong. Now, however, there was a thick wall between them, and he was the only one responsible.

The seat creaked slightly under his weight as he turned to face her, prepared to see the disappointment on her face. He longed to tell her he was afraid of dropping the defences so carefully built for years and not be worthy. He was scared to care about her — even more than he already did — and end up with his heart, his life and his already low-esteem in pieces.

“I’m not Kaidan.” It was a stupid answer; the first thing that had crossed his mind. He had nothing to do with the Lieutenant. Nothing. He didn’t even know if he would’ve been able to skip the chain of command, as Kaidan had just done.

Shepard raised an eyebrow and took a deep breath before leaning forward to catch up with him. “You’re not even able to realise that maybe that’s one of the many reasons why I came here tonight, are you? But as I said, forget it. I’m your superior, and this isn’t right. I didn’t want to press you. That wasn’t my intention at all, and I apologise for it,” she murmured shaking her head. “ETA?”

The question, right after her statement, caught him off guard and he looked at the screens to check the exact time. “Six- six hours and twenty-eight minutes, Commander.”

“Okay. I’ll be downstairs. Let me know when we’re about to reach the Relay. And Joker, I’m not against you staying here instead of the Crew Deck, but try to get some rest, understood?”

“Aye aye, Ma’am."

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be the beginning of their story, but right now, I'm not sure if I'll be continuing it, so I decided to keep it as a one-shot.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
